


Why Is He Like THAT?

by bethesdad



Category: Quake City
Genre: Character Analysis, M/M, Mental Illness, Multi, Summary, character flaws
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 15:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12192489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethesdad/pseuds/bethesdad
Summary: this is a summary of a summary what the fuckno but seriously this is me going through and analyzing most of Cas's major character flaws.





	Why Is He Like THAT?

Alright, let’s think about this. How the hell is Cas going to fix himself if he never knew what being functional looks like? It started out with a family based on false love and manipulation. He was raised by a father who saw him as an object, and a mother who let herself slip into believing that her life was stable and just fine the way it was. Then, his isolated life collapses on him and so does the last thread of love he had for his dad. He’s thrown to the wolves and this fucking clueless kid has to scramble to his feet and figure out his life all on his own. He never got the chance to get adjusted to public school-- and now he has to get used to adult life. The real world. 

 

I think that’s the very foundation of how easily he got misled. No experience, no closure. First off- let me say that fragments of his savior complex probably started before he left home. He probably developed a desire to take care of his mother toward the end of his teen years. It wasn’t bad then, there were just a few red flags. He could’ve gone back at that point, but he lacked the wisdom and the resources. So, one way or another, this foolish kid finds his way into a city of criminals and killers. By now, he’s been out of his home for a short amount of time-- he’s started to grasp at the advantages. He’s not being controlled anymore, he’s not being isolated, he’s not being told who he is. He’s free to speak his goddamn mind and do as he pleases; he’s his own person. Finally. He takes advantage of that, yes, but he takes it too far. He becomes arrogant, vain, blunt, witty, and inappropriately flirtatious. He’ll say anything he’s thinking, and there’s almost no exception to that. He’s horribly impulsive; says things before he lets the words process in his head so he can find a proper way to phrase his words. 

 

See- but Cas isn’t designed to be nothing but a selfish bastard. His cockiness, his egotistic attitude, is originally founded as a rebellious coping mechanism. He’s taking advantage of the ability to do as he pleases, he’s making himself the biggest personality he can given that he’s not being forced to be small anymore. Let’s not forget that Cas, at his heart, is a human being who wants nothing more than attention and a sense of purpose. He wants to feel needed, he wants to know he’s doing something that matters in the world. Right now, he wants to be known for doing something good. And- in a city of crime and misery, people being shot down in streets, police failing to stop gang disputes left and right- what’s the best purpose to have? Saving this city from becoming a cesspool of criminals and making it something  _ better. _

 

He wants people to be safe and be known as someone who helped this city, but he’s not a “hero” in the sense of wanting  _ only _ to help. He wants the recognition, too. Of course, the morality of the cause holds merit about that, but regardless he wants to be publicly revered as the man who saved this city. It’s also… So funny, in a really sad way, because this is a naive 21 year old guy with no life experience outside of a secluded laboratory. This kid has goals that are way, way too far out of his reach. He’s got ideas and ambitions that, while are incredible in theory, are destined for failure knowing the reality of how humanity works. 

 

But then, that leads to the next crucial error that leads Cas all the way to where he is now. His idea on how to solve Quake City’s crime problem. By the end of the first gang war, he sees what believes to be “enough” to prove that government, law, and peaceful citizen intervention will get nowhere. All this city responds to is violence, the only language they know how to speak is one written in blood. So, what’s the solution there? Speak their language. He develops a poorly founded, incredibly lofty plan to climb to the top of the gang world and crush all of his competition. He believes, genuinely, that if he destroys all of the other powers competing with him, violence will go down considerably. Once it’s only his gang, maintaining control will be easy! And, in addition to that, control from a gang headed by Cas hypothetically wouldn’t be as threatening as the possibility of government control. Or, alternatively, control by a much more volatile gang. 

 

Cas thinks, although he’s not a perfect person and at his core he is a jackass young adult, that he can help. He can be the person that gets this city out of the gutters. And- another one of Cas’s fatal flaws that has also become a good trait in some regards- is that once he starts something… he’s goddamn going to finish it. He’s persistent to an absolute fault, and throws himself into things head-first. Once he’s started something, he doesn’t intend to look back and often only sees what’s right in front of him rather than the whole picture. (Remember the conversation w/ Iceman? Yeah. I’m gonna call him out right there. He’s got tunnel vision; is so blinded by what’s directly in front of him that he didn’t see the whole situation.) 

 

And so, this is where Cas’s extraordinary luck kicks in. Despite being a newbie punk to this city, one equipped with unique skills albeit but still a punk, he makes his way to the top of the crime syndicate. And this… This is where his morality starts to really bend. In his actions as a gang leader, he starts to learn that sometimes you have no choice but to do something you don’t wanna do in order to reach a justified conclusion. At first, it stings to do things that feel morally wrong, but quick enough he justifies it to himself. Tells himself: no, no, I’m doing what’s right here. This is in pursuit of something bigger and better. I’m going to help more people than I’m hurting. I didn’t want to do this, I had to-- it’s the best and possibly only way to handle this. I’m not doing corrupt things in the pursuit of becoming more corrupt, or enjoying corruption. 

 

Then the goddamn celebrity phase rolls around. The absolute euphoria that comes about by being regarded as a celebrity and public icon is just too much for Cas to resist. He spent most of his damn life being no one. A faceless kid whose parents were the only people who gave a damn about him-- and even then that love felt watered-down and without merit.(*Note that Cas’s mom genuinely loves him, but at this point in his life he still has the impression that the two of them are the same breed of evil.) So, all of the sudden, after a life of feeling like nothing but an object not worth display or acknowledgement, he’s suddenly fucking  _ adored. _

 

That sensation of being loved, although not in an intimate way, fills him with so much pride and joy that he just has to run with it. He’s never felt anything like this before, and good God it feels so amazing. He’s impulsive, after all, and he’s the type of person that rides a high as long as he can. Or-- at least, at this age that’s what he was like. He lets himself get far, far too wrapped up in the life of a celebrity. He becomes his image, indulges the idea of being an icon, lets himself slip away into a phase saturated in vanity. 

 

You know, when he first started, he wasn’t what you’d call a  _ humble guy, _ but he did have a sense of humbility. The celebrity phase eats that up, or at least it does so whenever he’s in front of a camera. He becomes all the more cocky and overzealously confident. This irritates some people, charms others, and gets the attention of (almost) all. No better way to get the attention of the public than to ride out the reputation of being the pretty boy gang leader doing things for a  _ noble goal.  _ Dangerous, but not heartless. Tabloids eat that shit up.

 

But- okay- let me talk about one of my favorite flaws of Cas’s. All the while he’s indulging himself, letting himself enjoy life and bask in the glory of being loved by the public, he’s still selfless. I know, sounds crazy, but listen. I mean emotionally selfless. He gets attached too fast and gives too much of himself, lets way too much commitment and love sink into one person before he considers the fact that they might not last forever. It’s all or nothing in the moment, the future doesn’t matter to him. All he’s thinking about it right here, right now. He fails to see that his life, whether or not he wants it to be, is horribly dangerous and puts his loved ones in danger. He’s a high-profile target, and so the people he cares about become a means an end in pursuit of harming him. 

 

He doesn’t realize this until it’s far too late. His infatuation and growing concern for the people he loves becomes too much to ignore, too much to see past, and he gets invested in them to such an extent that any harm coming to them is  _ devastating. _ He can’t process it, he can’t fully accept it, and most of all he can’t let himself fully feel it. He suppresses, it pushes it down and tells himself that he is just fine and he can keep going. All the while, every time someone he adores ends up getting hurt, that blame and guilt packs on atop his shoulders. Again, he’s not entirely conscious of this happening. There’s implications of it, tinges of pain he feels but can’t find the cause of. His mental health is ever so slowly slipping through his fingers, but he’s either unaware or simply in denial. 

 

Unfortunately for Cas, the reality of his mental health doesn’t hit him until he’s too far gone to climb back out of the hole he’s dug. He manages to bury it and shallowly cover it with his ego for such a long time, but… Once there’s too much trauma and guilt built up, there’s no way to just hide it anymore. The ill feelings outmatch his egotism-- he has more self-deprecation and shame than he does confidence. Sooner or later, that well of narcissism runs dry and he finds himself unable to suppress his feelings anymore. Oh, and what happens when he has no choice but to be put face-to-face with emotions that have been festering unacknowledged for years? 

 

Collapse. It all comes in such a wave that there’s no way he can stand up against it. He’s resilient against external forces, sure, but has Cas ever been taught how to battle his own demons? No. You think his dad, his friends, his partners, etc etc ever taught him to maintain his mental health? Nah. That’s not necessarily a fault of theirs, though; Cas is no one’s responsibility but his own. Let’s make that clear now. The point I’m trying to make is that he’s never had an example of emotional maintainence in his life; he’s never received guidance in that regard. 

 

Alright, now let me do a quick summary of what exactly triggers the collapse in Cas’s mental health. It doesn’t just happen out of nowhere-- it’s been building for a while, and it was most definitely going to fall apart one day regardless of what happened, but there was a very specific chain of events that tipped the scales. By now, everyone in his life that he’s come to care about with the exception of Tommy and Tori has died. Nearly all of them with maybe an exception or two have been killed as a product of gang violence-- under his tougher exterior, he can’t fight the feeling that if it weren’t for him those people would still be alive. If it weren’t for his stupid, stubborn, overly ambitious self those people might not have died. And yet, he can’t seem to stop chasing that stupid goal of saving Quake City. Thus, triggering a nasty push-pull in his psyche. 

 

For that reason and carrying that knowledge, he blames himself for their deaths. I, as his writer, acknowledge the flaws in that way of thinking. I realize it’s toxic, I realize it’s not justified; it’s written into Cas to convey the point that he’s developed a caretaker complex. He takes other people on as his own responsibility, often subconsciously. 

 

ANYWAY I SAID I WAS GOING TO SUMMARIZE THE COLLAPSE AND I GOT DISTRACTED-- His mental health is already worn down to a great extent at this point. He isn’t outwardly acknowledging it, but good lord he’s exhausted and it’s beginning to show. He’s ripping at the seams, but at the same time he’s desperately covering himself in pins to hold it together. Being a gang leader for so many fucking years is putting him close to the edge, he’s closer to snapping than he’d ever realize, then-- Then, oh boy. He finds his husband in a bathtub, lying soaked in his own blood but with his lungs still reeling in shaky breaths. Cas is so grateful he at least got to say goodbye before Tommy died, but… There was no rebound from that point. Seeing the only person he really considered  _ consistent  _ at this point, the person he invested his future and commitment into, losing his life in a goddamn hotel bathroom was the last straw.

 

Cas should’ve learned early on never to expect anyone to last forever, no matter how important they were. Leading a life like his means nothing is for certain, especially the length of someone’s life. 

 

The days after Tommy died are surprisingly quiet. He doesn’t blow up and have a huge breakdown, there’s no screaming, yelling, or fighting. It’s a complete emotional shutdown-- there’s nothing left of him to put up a fight. This man, at this point, is fucking broken. Additionally, there’s nothing on his mind but putting a bullet between Cardinale’s eyes. He can’t think of anything else, he can’t think it all through logically, he can’t retrace his steps and analyze the situation. Nothing anyone says is getting through his head, he’s not there to hear it. He doesn’t care; all he fucking wants is revenge. His personality, for the most part, isn’t present. He’s hollow except for a heavy sense of loss. 

 

Alright, I’m gonna shorten this next bit a little because it hurts to put too much thought into it. Cas makes a mistake in killing Cardinale, I completely acknowledge that. Maybe the man did deserve to die given all the shit he’d done, but the way Cas did it wasn’t right. It wasn’t something Cas would be proud of if he were himself, and I know for a fact it’s something he’s going to regret sooner or later. Then, after Cardinale dies, I think you know what happens. That last bit of energy in him, that being his drive to end Cardinale’s life, dissipates the moment Francisco drops dead. There’s nothing left of him now.

 

The anger subsides and all that rises in its place is  _ all the suppressed emotions. _ There’s no external shell to protect him now, he’s the weakest he’s ever been in his goddamn life. Given he isn’t thinking clearly, and all that guilt is too much to fucking bear, he resorts to something that’s been swirling around in his head for a while but that he’s been able to resist for such a long time. Yeah, I’m sure you guessed it-- he makes an attempt at taking his own life. Or rather, he falls into a psychotic breakdown, locks himself in his office, and contemplates suicide for days as he can’t make up his goddamn mind. Hollow or not, there’s still an echo of himself somewhere in him. That echo still carries the responsibilities he’s placed on himself. He can’t just let those go, but… But… How is he supposed to maintain anything anymore? He’s a fucking disaster, he can’t take care of his goddamn self. How is he supposed to take care of anyone else? Fuck.  _ Cock the gun, put it to your head, take a deep breath. Hold it. Close your eyes. One, two, thr… Remember your daughter, your second in command, all the people in your gang-- Drop the gun again. Fuck.  _

 

Let’s sum up this leg of the journey. Cas is forced into treatment before he can come to his final decision and end his life. God bless Butch and I hope somewhere in his heart he knew Cas loved him. Anyway. Treatment isn’t something I need to flesh out in great detail, but I’ll mention the key points. He ends up with an _ extremely _ long stay(that being a year) because of how far gone he is-- it takes months just to get him communicating with people. Cas being non-verbal. Fucking unheard of, right? That’s like, the least likely thing he’d ever do. But anyway, anyway-- when his personality does start resurfacing… It’s both a blessing and a curse. Everyone is glad Cas is back to being himself, they’re glad to see he’s not a lost cause, but as we all know--

 

He’s a jackass and a hard person to get along with sometimes. He’s a snarky, rude jackass with a crude sense of humor and absolutely no concept of boundaries. Needless to say, once he starts settling back into his own skin, treatment becomes almost fun. Sort of. Therapists cannot fucking stand this guy. He’s a jerk most of the time and the times they _ can _ get him to open up, he bursts into tears within minutes and ends up shaking, curled up in a ball. What a mess. 

 

By the time he gets out of treatment, he’s stable enough to hold himself together but he’s far from recovered. His personality is back in place, he knows who he is, but he’s still only just begun to dig up and work through all of his trauma. Essentially, treatment got him thinking about it and brought it to his attention, but they didn’t manage to resolve it. A shattered pane of glass that’s been put back together with Elmer’s glue. 

 

Jail and then the military have beat the shit out of Cas, and thus far they’ve really only served as painful reminders that he either needs to change his behavior for the better or accept his flawed thinking as-is. He can die for a cause that was never his to fix or he can learn to move on, maybe even pursue enjoying the closing chapter of his life. Who knows, maybe he’d find a way to do something productive that didn’t involve hurting people or being directly involved in the crime world. But… I’m getting ahead of myself. 

 

For the first leg of this new journey- life after treatment- shit is rough and Cas is still clinging onto the past. He’s telling himself over and fucking over again that he’s not done with his work back in QC-- he’s still got a job to finish and his empire is still there. God, it’s sad how he’s clinging onto something that practically  _ isn’t there _ anymore. I mean, you gotta hand it to him that he’s got perseverance and determination, but maybe to a fault. He gets so fixated on a task and gets horrible tunnel vision around it, can’t see the flaws and refuses to see the big picture. 

Regardless, shit starts to shift as Cas settles into life in the military. There are so, so many changes this man has to settle into. First and foremost, he’s not the leader of the pack anymore and nor is he a goddamn pop culture icon. To the rest of the world, Casper Williams is dead and the man he is now is a nameless nobody. He’s not important anymore, he’s not someone people look up to, nor is he a high-profile target to chase down. He’s not hated nor is he loved. He just… is. And that fucking stings. It sucks that it matters to Cas at all that he isn’t important in the eyes of the public anymore, but regardless of whether or not it’s justified Cas got extremely attached to the sensation of feeling wanted. He adored feeling like he really meant something to the world. Now? Now he has to cope with losing that sensation. Now he has to rely on being important to only himself rather than using the general public as a crutch. 

 

Oh, but it’s going to take a while for him to learn that lesson in particular. This is a perfect segway into one of my favorite  _ new  _ character flaws that have developed-- however let me mention that this is also one of the most hurtful flaws, in my opinion. It’s, uh. It’s a really toxic one when you really pick it apart. Essentially, for quite a few reasons other than that Cas isn’t a public figure anymore, he’s become extremely desperate for attention. He’s empty of love for himself and so he seeks it out via other people. He needs to feel needed by someone as not to feel useless and to fulfill the desires of his savior complex. He’s never really been able to cope with being alone, and even though he’s almost constantly surrounded by people he finds that he needs to get emotionally invested in someone as not to feel lonely. This man doesn’t handle loneliness well, let it be known. Let it also be known that none of these aspects are conscious efforts. 

 

This particular flaw leads into one that hasn’t occurred just yet but I am so, so excited to see play out. Excited… not in a happy sense. I don’t want to see Cas hurt, however I realize that going through this process is the best way for him to truly heal and move on. It gets worse before it gets better, and goddammit I’ll see it through ‘til it gets better. --  Cas isn’t thinking things through in the long term again- he wants so fucking badly to be loved and to have a close-knit relationship, but once he gets it… A wave of fear is going to hit him like a damn tsunami. He still carries around the guilt of having gotten all of his past loved ones killed, so once he gets close to someone else it’s going to trigger the fear that just by association he’ll get them hurt. 

 

He’s going to invest himself into them, feel that sharp knife of anxiety puncture his chest, and he’ll try and back away again. It’s out of care for them, not himself, but regardless if he doesn't communicate it properly it has a high likelihood of looking like a selfish maneuver. He’s going to unintentionally create a horrible push-pull dynamic that  _ could _ become very toxic if he and whoever he’s close to don’t work it out properly. My hope is that whoever he ends up getting intimate with is sensical enough to bring it to Cas’s attention what he’s doing, and either manages to snap him out of it while maintaining the relationship or cutting it off entirely as to get the message across. It’d be really, really neat to see the first scenario happen because in which case Cas could show off some character development. He can sit down, take things slow, and process the situation as a whole rather than throwing himself into everything head-first.  _ Take a step back, analyze, and then proceed forward _ . It’d be so refreshing to see him make progress in the way of learning not to let his impulses and emotions govern everything. He needs to find a balance between logical thinking and emotional thinking. 

 

The other issue is, well… Cas’s self esteem is in the fucking gutters nowadays. Slowly but surely he’s coming to terms with all the things he did in the past, and he’s finding that he can’t justify some of the things he did. A lot of the things he did, actually. He’s making an effort to be something of a better person, but holy fuck what even defines a good person anymore?? Everything to him is not only a mess but it’s so many goddamn unanswered questions. In addition to that, it’s very hard to break habits he’s maintained for almost his entire adult life; he has to change his entire way of living. Sometimes he doubts changing is even the right decision, and that starts even more internal conflict. What even is the right choice? Is change better or is pursuing the lofty goals he set in his early 20’s better? Does it make him weak or strong to leave the crime world after he’s already put so much of himself into it? To him, it’s hard to tell. 

 

Anyway, anyway, my initial point had to do with his self-image. The man has so much guilt built up in him it’s practically overflowing. He compensates by hosting an overzealous ego and charming demeanor, but c’mon. Let’s be real. The guy hates himself. Or… hate’s a strong word. Cas is so fragile as-is I don’t know if he’d have the strength to outrightly say that to himself. Either way, point being, he doesn’t hold himself on a pedestal. Thus, he might not think he’s deserving of an intimate relationship only after he’s achieved getting one. He’ll enter into this new bond, and it’ll finally settle in. _ “Oh, shit. This person is good and redeemable, that’s part of why I love them. I’m… not really a good person. That’s not fair to them. Oh, okay.” _ I don’t know if this would entail him trying to let go, but it would entail some choppy weather in that dynamic.

 

Aaaaaaand here’s the last thing I’m going to mention in this particular piece of writing: Cas is finally, after his entire goddamn career in crime, facing his feelings head-on. There’s no more walls between him and his emotions. He still has the arrogant facade, yes, but there’s not anymore suppression in his current life in the military. He would suppress it if he could, sure, but see-- he can’t anymore. He’s worn down. He can’t hide things if he tried, and trust me… he does try. Cas is so fucking fragile right now, and I’m certain he’s embarrassed of it. If you looked Cas in the eyes and said, “Hey, you’re kind of a good person and I appreciate you,” he would almost definitely cry. The emotions swirling around in his head are just too much to hide, and they come out whether or not he wants them to. 

 

That’s… a really strange change for Cas. Back in Quake City, sadness and vulnerability in general weren’t things he frequently showed people. He could easily cover up ill emotions with either snarky sarcasm or competitive anger, but now-- now he can’t. He’s become much more transparent, and you know? Maybe that’s for the best. 

 

Last little notes- Cas becoming vulnerable and open has been a slow progression, and it did take some wearing down of his typical facade to get him to this point. It took some realization of some shit and some heavy emotions to get him here. / God, shit stings right now, but ultimately what I want for Cas is for him to let go and move on. Holding onto the past will only give him an unfulfilling death. Letting go and changing for the better, though? Who knows. Not even he knows where he’d go if he managed to get out of the cycles he’s trapped in. 


End file.
